The Process...

The moving process is in full swing. I used to be able to pride myself on the fact that all my belongings fit inside a car, that everything else was excess and should be thrown away. Well this go around, I feel like I finally hit that age that got me thinking about all it takes to actually live in a home alone. It takes kitchen stuff, furniture, decorations, and on and on and on. No more borrowing my roommates this or that, at least for now. So about 15 boxes shipped and two car fulls later, I think I will manage to get most of it home.

Packing is a strange experience, and believe me I would know. In my time on staff alone I have moved five times, once to California, three times while living here, and once back to Colorado. The act of going through your stuff brings up a lot of memories, some good, some funny, some painful. This time it was a little painful, mostly notes and pictures from a past relationship that I needed to discard, but this time I experienced a new packing emotion: awe.

Awe. Such a small word that packs a big punch. My awe came in the form of reflection over the things that God has done in me and taught me in this place. Awe, that so many of you have been a part of this journey with me. Awe, that I am walking away knowing my Creator in a way that I never knew I could before I came. It's funny to think that all of this came while I was packing.

Two weeks from today I will begin my journey back to Colorado. With this transition comes a lot of unknowns. So I would like to ask for your prayers. The most pressing things are that I would be able to get on the volunteer EMT Reserves and then quickly after, get hired on as an EMT. In the meantime I am applying for paying jobs at various hospitals in the area in whatever capacity I am qualified for. I am also taking three classes that not only count as prerequisites for paramedic school, but are also useful in helping me get a job as an EMT. But the kicker is that I won't be an in-state student for a year, so I am having to pay out-of-state tuition. So I would really appreciate your prayers for provision in both a job and finances to help me cover school. I also want to be able to find a tight knit community to be a part of. I think YWAM is one of the most unique community settings ever, and will be really difficult to leave and adjust to living outside of that community. It's challenging but good to rest in the fact that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever and desires to be my provider, if I only let Him.

Also I just wanted to say, that you guys are special to me. Really and truly.

Sacrifice

What would it look like if there was no brokenness on earth? What would it look like if humans were incapable of hurting one another? How would relationships look if this were true?

I had a relationship issue come up that really hit me hard and it got me thinking about all of these things. I think the easiest answer is that the world would look a lot more like heaven, but then again what do we really know of heaven? It is mysteries wrapped within mysteries, the details are rather ambiguous. All I know is that in that moment of intense pain, I want so badly to be someone else. I want to cut out my heart and my memories and replace them with new ones. It's in that moment that I begin to understand why this world is so quick to turn to suicide, and divorce, and anger that puts up so many barriers. I begin to see how wars were started and how abortion became such a commonplace thing....it all begins with hurt and brokenness that snowballs into more and more and more, leading us down some of these paths.

But here comes the but......but then I am reminded that the one real positive of brokenness, is that it causes me to understand my utter dependence on my Savior. The One whom my very next breath comes from, the One who holds the keys to all things, the One who has my best interest at heart, the One who sacrificed Himself in such a gruesome way, taking on all our iniquities.

Do you know what iniquity actually means? It literally translates in Hebrew to mean that we are slaves to our sin, we are bound to it. Meaning that God, who is the very definition of perfect, chose to take on our slavery to sin as His so that we would know grace. That baffles me. No baffle is not the right word, if I even attempt to wrap my mind around that I end up on my face in praise. I am so undeserved. And yet, I have been freely offered this gift from my Savior. In my brokenness I remember that if I am so deeply loved by Him, that's all I need. And it's in that moment of realization that brokenness has to flee, because I have authority over it. Now I don't know about you, but that is good news to me!

And that brings me back to heaven, regardless of the details of what heaven will be like, I can't wait to spend eternity with the One who loves me so incredibly.

Moving On...

Here it is hot off the presses, my big news! No, I am not getting married, although that would be very exciting! I am however stepping down from being on staff with YWAM Pismo Beach.

Before I begin, I would like you to hear my heart. This is a big piece of news to drop in your lap, and so I want to share the process with you. Believe me it is just as strange, trying to write 23 years of life experiences in two pieces of paper. This however was not a drop of the hat decision, it has been something that I have been praying about for the past nine months.

I wish I could bring you in on each specific story, thought process, and detail that brought me to this decision, but that would take more paper than I own. So I would like to begin with a story, since those seem to explain things best.

About 20 years ago, I began to play doctor; we even have it on old family videos. I had a bag of plastic “doctor” tools that I carried around and mended my various family members with.

Fast forward a few years to college. It was there that I chose to major in biomedical sciences, continuing to pursue my desire to be a doctor. But I found myself searching and broken, unsure of the purpose of life and unsure that there was truly a God who loved and cared about me. I began to realize that school and dreams aside, I needed to make a choice; I either needed to be sold out for Jesus or be sold out for myself. He didn’t give me a middle of the road option.

So after a short mission trip to Mexico, and some solid conversations with an important mentor in my life, I made a choice to head to YWAM Pismo Beach to do my Discipleship Training School. It was there that my life was radically transformed, ruined for the ordinary in fact. I knew that I could no longer return to life as I had once known it.

As I have always been a lover of missions, the prospect of staying on staff became a reality. Here I was encouraged to dream big, so I took all of my passions for young people, traveling, administration, encouragement, injustice issues, music, and art and threw them all together and out came Project Sixty-One. Pioneering this ministry became one of the single most challenging, painstaking, and yet beautiful adventures I have ever been a part of. It taught me to take risks, to trust God even when it seemed impossible, and it showed me that in my weakness, God made beautiful things from the ashes.

But in this process my love for the medical took a backseat because I thought that without a degree, I was basically useless in that area. So I reluctantly set it aside and pursued other things, hoping God would give me a passion for something else. But I begin to realize that I was trying to turn away from a talent that God has gifted me with because it didn’t fit into the box that the world told me it should.

God has a way of reminding me that His ways are higher than my own. It was January 16, 2010 and I was sitting on an airplane that was taking me from California to the Dominican Republic, our pitstop before Haiti. I had never experienced a disaster situation firsthand, and in several moments I knew my life would never again be the same.

It was there that I was asked to clean wounds, and it was there that I prayed and wept over those that had lost so much, those that were walking testimonies of God’s grace. I remember thinking that even through all the language barriers, I could show the love of Jesus by cleaning their wounds. In those few short days in Haiti, God uncovered a world of possibilities; ways that He could use the medical talents He has given me to bring restoration to the body, but also to the heart.

In October of 2010, God opened up another door and I did my RescueNet training course in San Francisco. RescueNet, being YWAM’s international disaster relief team. Another piece was added to the puzzle, and I saw the possibilities unfold for medical missions.

This story comes to a rather important close in the summer of 2011. It was in the heart of San Francisco that my passions unfolded in full. During my Emergency Medical Technician, or EMT, bootcamp class, I never felt more alive.

On my first 12 hour hospital shift I saw a baby, a girl my age, and an elderly man die. I came to class the next day and told my instructor that I wanted to quit. As I sat there and cried, so did he, and when I was finished he began to speak truth into my heart. He told me that many get the opportunity to experience the joys of new life, but few get the opportunity to cherish in the sacredness of death. We talked a lot about the ability to bring peace and compassion into the most traumatic of situations for both the patient and their family. And we talked about love and how we can really be the hands of Christ in the medical sphere.

From there I was sold. I’m of the opinion that we too easily get bogged down deciding what exact, specific, perfect thing that God has called to, and in the process we forget what He has and wants for us today. I believe that verse in Psalms that says, “take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." One of the deepest desires of my heart is to bring healing, not just to the physical body, but to the heart as well. Of course, without God this is impossible, but with Him is promised to me in scripture.

After my EMT school, I realized I had come full circle. That little girl playing at doctor, is now a woman who desires to walk into the medical sphere and bring the love of Christ there.

And so that brings us to the present day. I have spent the last nine months prayerfully seeking God on what this reoccurring passion looks like. I also wanted to be responsible with this decision making process, knowing that flippancy isn’t something I strive for.

He has spent those months showing me that He was building a foundation in me while at YWAM Pismo Beach. Teaching me that my relationship with Him is more important than any grand ministry goals I could construct. He’s been showing me that it has been in this place that I have learned my identity in Him, knowing that I am loved and valued by the most high King. And it is through these things that I have learned what it means to love others.

It has been here at YWAM Pismo Beach that I have learned how to dream big, create a ministry, plan and lead teams overseas and in the states, disciple others, manage an office, lead various fundraising and administrative departments, teach, among many other skills. Not that I would profess to know it all, because I will always be learning and growing.

I have had the opportunity to go to seven different countries in my time here, doing outreach in various capacities. Some of which include, human trafficking, children’s, orphan’s, English studies, college, tribal, medical, and disaster relief ministries.

Looking back on it all I am amazed that God could send me on so many amazing adventures and my heart could grow and change so much in five years. It truly has been a season of building a foundation.

What’s next from here you may ask? My immediate plans are to move back to Fort Collins, Colorado on May 1st, 2012. I am hoping to get a job as an EMT for about a year, while taking a few courses at a local community college. I am then looking into a paramedic school in Denver. This schooling will be about a year in total. And from there I trust that God will guide and direct my steps as He always has.

So yes, I will be stepping down from YWAM Pismo Beach, but no, I am not finished with RescueNet. RescueNet, YWAM’s international disaster response team, does not require me to be on staff at a YWAM base to remain a part of the team. As this disaster response team only adds to my love and joys of assisting others medically, I have a strong desire to remain an active team member. This means that as disasters come up and deployments arise, I will be a part of as many as I am able.

What does this mean for Project Sixty-One (the short-term outreach ministry)? As Project Sixty-One is a ministry I pioneered, I have the capacity to take it with me. I already have some plans brewing as to how I can still keep it an active ministry while living in Colorado, taking teams overseas on short-term missions.

As for overseas missions, is this the end of traveling for me? I can, with a smile on my face, say that in no way is this the end of my time in overseas missions. I have a deep desire and longing to be going into the nations. And who knows where I might end up several years down the road!

So to all of you who have been a part of these last five years with me, I want you to know that I consider you family. It has been such a joy to have so many supportive people stand alongside me. You have been givers of your time, your prayers, and your finances. You also have been givers of your hearts. One of my most favorite things has been the emails and phone calls that I have received from so many of you. You have shared your joys, your pains, your fears, and through that I feel like we became the body of Christ. Lifting one another up in prayer and encouraging one another to keep moving forward.

I can say with confidence that you have made an impact not only in California, but in the nations. You have also been an instrumental part in impacting my life. Each and every one of you has been a part of my journey in discovering the fullness of what God has for me and the fullness of walking in His love and grace. So thank you for being not only willing, but excited, in walking through this season with me. It has blessed me beyond words and I will be forever thankful!

So herein lies a new chapter, one that will be full of many new and exciting adventures! My hope is that we can continue to be an integral part of one another’s lives in the years to come.

If you have any questions or thoughts about my transition, I would love to communicate further with you. Please feel free to email me at jacquelyngowing@gmail.com.

Please be checking my blog for more information in the coming weeks. I will be able to expand and go into more detail on the moving process there.

Thank you so much for each of your hearts and investments in my life!

Leaky Pipes

I swear some mornings I think I wake up to God poking me and saying, "I hope you're ready for this one, because I'm about to teach you something." These would be the days I deem as bad ones. My desire to punch someone outweighs my logic and well, I have the tendency to shut down or be hypersensitive.

Let me tell you this morning's story. This morning I awoke to an abnormal noise coming from my bedroom ceiling. I could tell someone was in the shower upstairs and I could tell that the water was not going where it should be going. All of a sudden there was a rush of water through my ceiling all over my carpeted floor. Now I am no plumber or contractor, but I have a feeling that the broken seam that goes all the way across my ceiling dripping with water, is not normal. Not only that, but the majority of the water leakage was over the room's light source, meaning that our electricity is now compromised and not working.

So as you can imagine, I began to rush about finding towels, buckets, and my sanity. And then came the five minutes of anger, anger at my roommates, anger at my co-workers, anger at anyone and everyone that had ever set out to be a jerk at some point in my life. And this anger wasn't over the water, it was over things that have happened over the past several months, almost like a dam had been released. It was amazing how in the midst of the chaos, my brain could come up with examples of ways that I had been wronged.

Isn't it funny that we do that? Even in our full adult forms, we often have these real primal child-like moments that threaten to rear their ugly head and forfeit our polished and perfected exterior that we have learned to wear.

Today, I caught myself off guard in my reaction, and so I had to stop and think, what am I being taught right now? Now I realize this is a rather comical story, and you might think that I am the Queen of overreacting, which may be partially true. But, I learn in strange ways. So my nugget of truth came like a rush of water, no pun intended.

I have always struggled with patience, and the root of that comes from my desire to have control over my life and surroundings. So if someone isn't doing something fast enough or the way I would do it, I become impatient and usually take over. This has been a tough season for me, one that has required much patience. One that also is teaching me that most of the time it's better to keep my mouth shut rather than share my thoughts or opinions. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I cut off my tongue...

On another note, I wanted to share what I have been doing for the last four months here with YWAM. This has been a season of transition and so there has been a lot of waiting and praying and seeking the things that God has for me next. But that has left me time to be able to really dive into the day-to-day base activities. This is something new for me, because I am usually off doing some school, or training, or outreach.

Some of these things I have mentioned in past posts, things like leadership team and skate church and RescueNet. For almost two years now I have been a part of the base's leadership team, this team handles all of the legal, moral, and financial issues at the base. This has been one of the most challenging roles I have ever played while being on staff because I often feel like the bearer of bad news when something happens or a decision has to be made. But God has been really working in my heart and life, showing me the false assumptions I had in being a leader. Whoever told me it was all glam and fun, was full of it, because you carry a responsibility, it is scriptural even, but it is hard. All that to say, we have been re-structuring the entire base and its guidelines and operations for over a year now. So that is one thing that my time has been spent on as of late.

The other's are skate church and RescueNet, both of which you have heard me describe and explain many times. I know sometimes it's easy to wonder what people in ministry do when they are not up in front teaching or always overseas doing outreaches, but believe me it's a very busy job to keep a base functioning. It takes many hands, hearts, and brains.

As far as how you can be praying for me, I am speaking at a youth group tomorrow night from 7-9 pm and would love your prayers during that time. I will be talking about YWAM, missions, and the Great Commission. Also I am taking next week off to do a road trip up the coast to really spend some time away with God. I try and do this once or twice a year to get renewed vision and direction for upcoming things. So I would love your prayers that it would be a restful and rejuvenating time, with a lot of hearing from God.

Finding Content in the Discontent

We live in a world that is very much self-seeking, self-pleasing, self, self, self. The get it now and get it fast has turned young people, especially, into some of the most fake and self-centered people I have yet to experience. As much as I would like to exempt myself from the above statement, I am not exempt. Throw in my extreme drivenness and lack of patience and sometimes I can be the most ugly of them all.

I am in an interesting place as of late, one that I can't say I usually stay in for so long. And yet, here I am, several months into being consistently bitter and angry. At what you might ask, well yes, there are some specific things I can pinpoint, but I am ever quick to resort to anger at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason.

When I'm angry I don't explode outwardly, I am pretty good at holding back, but inside, I feel like I am holding onto a monster, one that is rearing his ugly head and breathing fire. Now I struggle with admitting to these type of feelings because I feel like many Christians have gone out of their way to tell me that I need to pull it together, I need to let it go, I need to fix it. But wasn't Jesus angry once in awhile? Yes, His anger was righteous, it was a secondary emotion that occurred because He loves us so deeply. But, as I am His, made in His image, I think it's ok to feel emotions. Not to drown in them, not to be consumed by them, but to feel them and work through them.

I am a pretty emotional person, I have been told I feel too deeply, that I need to grow some tougher skin. But I can honestly tell you that I don't grow much when I am content and just head over heels loving life. The seasons that I look back on that were the most incredible for growing deep roots, were those that I felt things, deep things, things that still make me wince when I think back on them. You know why? Because it was then that I knew that without God, I might literally crumble to ashes. It was in that moment that I understood that God literally gives me every breath, that life without Him is so incredibly pointless, it's like wandering around alone in a desert.

So, in this world, that is all about the now, I have begun to see that people are quick to get over everything and fast, because if you aren't living the happy life of the rich and famous, you must be a nobody. So we learn how to shove things under the proverbial rug, our hearts become cold, and we become distant to everyone and everything. We all become humanitarians, we do enough to feel good, and then we stop because we don't want it to cost us anything.

My heart breaks when I look around and see so many people that walk around with sky high walls around their heart. And then I think about myself, I have been hurt deeply, wounds that seem to always keep on bleeding, and so I have too become a master at resurrecting thick, hard, walls with barbed wire on the top.

And then I am reminded that love is one huge risk. To love and be loved is actually the most terrifying thing on the planet. Because the true definition of love is the one that Jesus gave, He came and died and rose again because He loved us so incredibly, knowing full well that so many would spit in His face and say they hate Him. I have spat in His face more times than I can count. He sacrificed everything. And even then, sometimes I turn my back.

So here I am. Living in a season where I am angry, trying hard to figure out why, to let myself ride with it and not shove it somewhere. And why? Because I don't want to be that girl that can't love sacrificially like I'm called to, I want to be that girl that gives and gives and risks and loves, knowing that ultimately, it doesn't matter if it's reciprocated or not.

Because I was called to love. Mark 12:29-31, “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Acne & Identity

Isn't it funny that no matter how old we grow, most of the problems we had as teenagers don't really go away, they just morph. Granted, we may have learned how to hold our tongues longer and keep a straight face when necessary, but the hurt is still just as strong and just as cutting.

Sometimes I wish someone would have sat me down and told me that people can be just as hurtful, that a job doesn't equal security, that relationships are hard, that stress will not only continue to give you zits, but can also give you ulcers and make your hair fall out. But then again, praise God no one did tell me these things, because frankly, they are discouraging.

Sometimes these images cause for strange reflection, but I've always been one to get completely lost in thought over some pretty ridiculous things. However these reflections led me to a difficult and yet encouraging realization, one that I felt I wanted to share with each of you.

One of the most important lessons I have learned about myself during my time with YWAM is that I am a beloved of the King. Now I know, it sounds simple, but it's one thing to know something in your head and something completely different to know it in your heart. That six inches between my head and my heart sometimes seem like it mind as well be millions of miles apart; because there are many things that I believe intellectually that never become real because my heart remains unbelieving and unchanged.

For me to believe in my heart that I am a daughter of the most high King has taken what some would call an eternity. I have spent far too many years walking around having a chameleon sort of identity. Making myself fit to look like someone or something or anything, just to find acceptance and a sense of security. Identity. What a small word, what a huge concept.

I remember the first time I was ever challenged in this. It was during my Discipleship Training School. This person asked me, "Jacque, who are you?" And of course I answered, "I'm Jacque Gowing, I'm a student, I studied at Colorado State...." and on and on I went listing the attributes I thought made up me. This person let me talk, and when I had finished they asked me again, "but who are you?" My first thought was, this person is clearly deaf because I just told them who I was. After this question was thrown at me five or six times I finally blurted out, "I don't know!" I finally said it out loud, the thing I was so scared to admit, I had no clue who I was. My chameleon skin lay on the ground, I was standing naked, so to speak, for the first time in my life.

Slowly but surely, God began to clothe me, began to speak things over me. I learned about who He had created me to be, the talents He had given me, the joy He found in me, His beloved. And it wasn't that He hadn't been saying these things all along, it's just that I thought He wasn't trustworthy, that the things He had for me were more like condemnation and judgement. I had been deceived, because the things He had for me were like succulent fruit or decadent chocolate cake, I couldn't get enough.

Now let's be real, you do not discover your identity one day and then walk in it flawlessly until the day you die. It becomes a choice. I have to choose day in and day out if I am going to walk in the chameleon ways of my old self, or if I'm going to put that to death and walk in the fullness of who I was created to be.

So back to our teenage selves, although some things never change, I am forever grateful that my identity has. The real reason behind what got me thinking this way is, for the past few weeks I have started getting involved with a local skate church. There is an incredible group of people that have been holding a weekly skate church for 10-18 year olds that have come from broken homes and circumstances. They are students that may not necessarily have a church or feel comfortable in a church setting. So they meet in a skate park, where they are fed, discipled, and are free to skate.

After someone shares, we break the students up into small groups. There are 3-4 girls that show up and as it's only my third week, I am just starting to get to know them. They have no idea that Jesus loves them as much as He does, they have no idea who to find their identity in, they are hurting and facing all of those dreadful teenage insecurities. And more frightening is they don't have strong friends and family supporting them and encouraging them to hold tight to Jesus.

And so that's why my thoughts have been reaching back to all of those moments in my own life. I would so love your prayers for this, for glimpses into their lives and hearts. That ultimately Jesus would reach in and touch them and they would walk in their identity, princesses of the King.

Waves

I love the ocean. I love looking at its vast expanse and wondering how it's possible that so many things live in its depths. I love listening to it crash loudly on the shore, asserting its awesome power. But most of all, my trips to the beach consist of being in awe of God. Most people go to the beach to enjoy the sun and play in the water, I am quite the opposite. I go to the beach when I am having a hard time. I go to run until I can't feel my legs, I go to sob uncontrollably, I go to shout. Lately I go because I have these nagging doubts that seem to want to consume me. I go to remind myself that if God can create huge expanses of ocean, with thriving life beneath its shores, than surely He desires to have a plan and purpose for me. Surely He can calm these nagging doubts that seem to swallow me whole.

I will be the first to tell you that I do not have it all together. I am judgmental, selfish, over-bearing, driven to a fault, I am opinionated and set in my negative ways. And on and on the list goes. To top it all off, I doubt God often. I know it's not the standard to go around as a missionary admitting that I doubt God, but I do sometimes. Sometimes I think it's incredibly absurd to believe that stories like David and Goliath, Lazarus, and Daniel and the lions actually happened. I think it's strange to believe in someone I can't see. And don't even get me started on Revelation, I mean beasts with twenty eyes and four heads, what in the world?

But then I think back to the ocean and the mountains and the human body, held in this extremely fragile, yet tough state. Those things are just as big of mysteries wrapped in miracles, unexplainable really. Or hearing stories of cancer disappearing, people dying and then suddenly coming back, and money showing up in mailboxes when you need it the most.

Faith is the complete trust and belief in someone or something. I don't know why, but my doubts, that come from my human inability to wrap my mind around everything, seem to rouse my faith. They seem to bring new hope, new desire, new passion. Which are all things I need at the beginning of the year.

Normally, I hate the beginning of the year, while most people see it as a time to make resolutions and set goals, I tend to want to cower in the corner. Although 23 years is not all that old, I feel like the last few years have aged me. They have been difficult, painstaking even. I know it's impossible to expect to live in a state of flowers and roses but I guess I would have liked a few more rainbows and unicorns rather than a broken heart and uncertain steps.

Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe this is what life entails....this is what I have been wrestling with as of late. Seeking God for some truth and understanding in the matter.

Well, to transition into what I have been up to, it has been a hectic wrap up to the year. The last time I wrote was in October and it was then that I was in Salem, Oregon helping staff RescueNet's annual training course. I was blessed to be able to teach the medical part of the course, which was incredible! Not only was it amazing to teach something that I love, but it really helped solidify the material for me.

In November, I moved into a new community house as we had some staff finish up their commitments and move on. So now all of of us single people fit into one house! It is fun to be able to spend more time together, we have quite a fun group! Representing Colorado, Texas, North Carolina, Finland, and Holland, there is never a dull moment! We also are a pretty crafty/artsy group so it's fun to be able to come home everyday to someone's amazing project lying all over the floor! Also these people really love God and have such a huge heart to serve and bless others, they teach me new things every single day.

Now we are here ready to kick off our January DTS (Discipleship Training School) on Sunday. We have students from all over the world coming in which always brings new life and fun to the base!

Things are still going well with RescueNet, I am currently working on getting my uniform and equipment purchased so that I am ready to deploy with the team when the next disaster hits. Please be praying that I would be able to have the finances quickly so that I am ready and not scrambling at the last minute to get all of that sorted out.

Finally I wanted to say that I appreciate you guys, I am blessed to hear about your travels around the US and the world doing outreaches of all sorts. I am also blessed to hear cool stories of God using you in your family or workplace to share His love and goodness. Keep em coming!